We grow up with the words “what do you want to be when you’re older?” constantly tossed our way.
If we’re all being honest with ourselves, this is a terrible question. How in the world would a second grader know exactly what he/she wanted to be when they grow up?!
Not only so, the word be is often associated with a career choice in lieu of our disposition, this subconsciously places a heavy weighted value on a career choice and specific lifestyle.
For months on end, I planned, rather deeply into detail, organized and researched for a certain dream of mine to become a reality, that being travelling.
In the midst of living my lifelong dream, I found myself buried beneath despair as my plan began to crumble before my very eyes. Followed by this was an abundance of hopeless wonder as I began to believe I was purposeless.
As a teenager, I had countless jobs — waitressing, a barista, aesthetician, cashier — beyond this was even more beliefs of what I longed to be and oftentimes attempted to pursue — a nurse, a plastic surgeon, psychologist, pediatrician, the list goes on.
Behind all the dreams of becoming something and fulfilling a purpose, lied countless moments of hopelessness, which grew deeper the more I attempted to pursue something that never became a reality.
Yesterday, I spoke a little about my day prior as I sat on my couch for hours on end as my thoughts wrapped themselves around my neck.
I believed that another moment of getting it wrong was before me, that I made a mistake in the plans I’ve made to travel and that there was nothing truly for me that’d fulfill me in a way that I felt full myself.
Throughout the past couple days since, I’ve been allowing myself to marinate in these thoughts (lightly) as I took a step back from the fork I faced. I knew that the more I looked for an answer, the more camouflaged it’d become.
My heart has always been set on travelling and I feel as if coming to the realization of getting it wrong again this time around hurt the deepest. It’s difficult to watch something you’ve always wanted slowly become something of the opposing.
Something, though, kept me from completely cancelling my flights and home accommodations, which is another reason I have given myself some time to sit in these thoughts of hopelessness; I didn’t want to be sitting back home in Arizona drowning in regret.
This morning, I have come to a realization…I had the plan right, just the wrong details.
My heart still lies scattered amongst the world, but not as extreme as I thought it to be. When I realized this, I felt more prompted to take action in setting my plan right and with a lighter heart in doing so.
I’ve also come to realize that our purpose isn’t found in a career choice, obtaining a specific lifestyle, or anything along those lines. What we want to be is found in our disposition, something we can access and change as often as needed whenever we obtain a sense of discomfort.
What I long to be is curious, and ambitious, driven and passionate.
Since tweaking my travel plans a bit, I’ve come to find myself already living and fulfilling this purpose.
What is your purpose?